


Still Standing

by Judas_Iscariot



Series: Selbertson Snippets [3]
Category: Snooker RPF
Genre: (what a shitty tournament jfc...), Everything hurts because of Neil's match, M/M, Welsh Open 2017
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:03:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9793532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Judas_Iscariot/pseuds/Judas_Iscariot
Summary: After his spectacular defeat in the Welsh Open, Neil is more than angry with himself.[No, seriously, that was painful. So here we are again, trying to ease the pain.] [Multi-chaptered & no idea where this is heading.]





	1. 'Cause I've been down

**Author's Note:**

> Written on the tablet, so don't wonder if the formatting is fcked up. 
> 
> Set right after Neil's 4-3 defeat against Lee Walker, after he'd led 3-1. Still crying tbh. 
> 
> This one goes out to my fellow Selbertson-addicts. Cheers!

Neil felt terrible. _Worse_  than terrible. He stared at his reflection in the mirror with disgust. He had been one frame away from victory; had been leading with 3-1 and then Lee Walker just came along and won the next three frames and thus the match. 

 

Neil threw the towel onto the chair next to him, grabbed his stuff and was about to leave when he saw a message popping up on his phone screen. He didn't even need to read the name to know that it was from Mark, and when he opened it he was proven right. 

 

" _unlucky._ ", it read. But Neil didn't even have the energy or spirits to smile bitterly at that. "Unlucky my ass", he said as he turned around to leave the dressing room. He didn't want to think about that match anymore, not now, although he knew he had to. Had to check where his weaknesses were so next time he'd be prepared and would hopefully win the match. Had to make peace with that memory and move on. 

 

He slammed the door with more force than neccessary and left, only barely acknowledging the other people he met on the way to his car. 

 

 

*   *   *   *   *

 

 

When he got to the hotel, his mood was even worse than before. During the car ride he'd gotten from sheer anger to disgust to blame to self-hate and back, all while trying to stay calm on the outside, ignoring his phone and trying not to have an accident. He'd succeeded (at least _something_  he did right today, hah!), parking the car and walking through the lobby to his room while checking his messages and Twitter. _Bullshit_ , he thought when he read Alfie's message. " _couldve been worse mate. next time_ ". Yeah, sure. Because that had worked _so well_  these past few months. 

 

Neil was ready to break something (his _cue_ , maybe) by the time he got to his door. He got out the keycard - damn hard with your bag and your cue case and so much anger in your fingertips - and when he entered the room, he wasn't surprised to find Mark lounging about on the bed, watching the next match on television. He looked up when he heard Neil opening the door, but before he could say anything, Neil threw cue case and bag forcefully onto the bed, right next to where Mark was laying. He eyed Neil's belongings next to him, then looked back up to his lover. "Neil, I-", he began, but was interrupted.

 

"Shouldn't you be practicing or something?", Neil asked and Mark frowned at him. "You surely wouldn't want to end up like me." 

 

Mark opened his mouth. Couldn't find an answer. Closed it again. 

 

"What?", Neil snapped. He knew it was wrong to let out his frustration on Mark, but in that moment he just couldn't help himself. He was angry and unable to contain it anymore. Sure, over the past few months whenever he lost in the early rounds (which, hands down, had happened more often than not) he grew more irritated with himself and sometimes his surroundings by the week, but he'd always tried to keep his emotions to himself. 

Of course, Mark had noticed that. How could he not. He'd tried to tell Neil that he was there for him and that he could talk to him, but to no avail. Then he thought that maybe Neil just needed time and that, with a little more practice than usual, he would be back to normal in a few weeks. 

 

That had been two months ago now. And frankly, Mark began to be irritated himself with that situation. Not because of the money - sure, he was paying most of their bills recently, but on the other hand he could afford it - but because of the change in Neil's behaviour. He was quiet, and when he said something it was either bitter and with that certain note of self-loathing, or it was unfair in behalf of Mark. After all, he only wanted to help his boyfriend who in turn didn't want that help. 

 

Instead he suffered in silence for himself and occasionally let out a grumpy commentary. 

 

"You know, the world won't end because of this", Mark said. "It was unlucky but it's not like you'll never get another chance." 

 

He found the remote control under the covers and muted the ongoing match. Neil snorted. "That's complete bullshit, Mark", he said, kicking his shoes into the corner of the room. "Next chance I get, I'll fuck it up again and you know it."

Mark sat up to face Neil. "Now, _that's_  what I call bullshit. Every player has a weak couple of months once in a while, you said that yourself in that interview, didn't you." 

 

  - "Yeah, I did. Couldn't really tell them that everything I do recently is complete crap, right." 

 

Mark let out a deep sigh. Arguing with Neil could be bloody exhausting, especially when he was like this. 

 

"And anyways, don't you play Mike in a few hours?", asked Neil, still standing in the middle of the room. Mark sighed again. He really wasn't in the mood for playing now. The whole situation went hard on him as well. "Yeah", said Mark. 

 

\- "Then shouldn't you be going?"

 

Mark got up from the bed. He wanted to tell Neil why he was still here. That he'd wanted to be there for him and console him, kiss him and hug him and whisper meaningless things to him. That he'd waited. That he _could_  have gone earlier to get prepared for his own match. But he chose to stay, thinking more about his boyfriend's wellbeing than his own success. And now he stood before Neil, wanting to touch him, to tell him that everything would be alright somehow and that he loved him no matter what. Wanted to tell him that he was there for him, always would be. That Neil meant everything to him. That seeing him suffer like this hurt him just as much. 

 

"Actually, Neil, I...", he started. 

 

Mark thought about all these things, everything he wanted to say. 

 

 

 

"Yeah. I should be", he said.

 

 

Neil swallowed, knowing too well of the damage he was inflicting on their relationship. He didn't look Mark into the eyes as he was getting his things and heading out. 

 

"I'll see you later", Mark said.  
  
  
And with that, he was gone. 

 


	2. and I've been crawling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark whitewashed Mike Dunn, but the next match didn't turn out as great...

Mark returned hours later. He opened the door to find Neil already asleep on his side of the bed, looking calm and pale, almost defeated. 

Mark put his cue case and bag down and went the few steps over to the bed, crouching down next to where Neil was laying. He was looking at his sleeping lover carefully. The blonde hair that the pillow had already ruined. The lines of his face that almost seemed to frown even in sleep. The way his slender fingers closed around the fabric of the sheets. It almost seemed to Mark that nothing had changed at all. That they could just as well be at home, in their own bed. Neil's laptop still on his lap, the headphones still over his ears. Or both of them naked, the thin layer of sweat still on forehead, back and chest, Neil's head against Mark's shoulder, their ragged breaths slowly evening out. 

 

But they weren't. They were still in this hotel in the middle of Cardiff, trying to fix their relationship. Well, _Mark_  was trying anyways. 

He sighed and got up again, taking off his shoes and clothes, and after a few minutes in the bathroom he went to his side of the bed and lay down next to his boyfriend. He stared at the back of Neil's head for a while, wishing he could be closer, wishing that Neil would just turn around and lay his arm around Mark's hips or chest, his lips against Mark's shoulder, their legs entwined. 

 

He closed his eyes but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep any time soon. He had to, somehow. After all he had a match to play tomorrow. But there were a million things in his mind that kept his head from zoning out. And the number one thing, of course, was Neil Robertson. Neil and his moods that were constantly dropping. When they had been at home over Christmas it had all been so perfect. They had practiced, they'd had fun and most importantly, they'd managed to get Neil's self confidence back. 

 

Mark sighed when he thought about how happy Neil had been with his own game. How happy he'd been with _himself_. There wasn't much left of that person now. 

 

Mark knew that eventually Neil would get back to his old form - he _had_  to, right? - but as of now, the situation was horrible. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Congratulations." 

 

 

That was Neil's voice. Very soft and loving, still kind of sad, and so very near. Mark could even feel the blonde's soft breath against his face. 

He opened his eyes again and in the darkness, surrounded by the shadows of the room, Neil was facing him. Mark hadn't even heard him turn around. Maybe he'd already half fallen asleep. He swallowed. 

 

"Thanks", Mark said. He had a bad feeling. Today wasn't his best match and frankly, he didn't deserve that whitewash. But here he was, having won 4-0 without playing his best. _Far_ from his best. 

 

Then they were silent for a moment. Mark didn't know what to do, what to say. He couldn't read Neil's face due to the darkness, but he could feel that he was tense. That he was thinking, considering something. 

 

"Are you alright?", Mark asked. It was all he could come up with. For a few moments, there was no response and he thought that maybe Neil had fallen asleep already. Then he could hear the faintest sigh and he knew that meant _'no'_. 

Mark hesitated for a second. _Should he just_  --? 

 

And just when he was about to close the gap between them, Neil moved closer to him, placing a careful hand on Mark's hip, snuggeling up to him and sighing quietly into Mark's shoulder. They both relaxed as they lay in silence for another while.  Having Neil so close to him felt just so natural and right that for a second, Mark forgot all about their problems. He was savouring that moment; enjoying the familiar sensation of Neil's body pressed against his own. 

He closed his eyes again and now he could feel how tired he was. Sleep would come very soon. --- 

 

 

"I'm sorry", Neil's voice broke the silence once more. Mark remained silent. Still. Didn't dare to move. 

 

"I shouldn't have said these things earlier. I was... upset." Mark could hear that it wasn't easy fot Neil to say those words. They both weren't great at talking about feelings - at least _that_  kind of feelings -  so Mark appreciated Neil's apology even more. It didn't happen often, after all. They both were too stubborn to admit their own faults to each other. But sometimes, to save what they had, there was no other way. Then they needed to say something, even if it was just 'sorry'. Most of the times that was already enough. 

 

"I know", Mark said. 

 

 

He felt Neil's body pressing harder against his own, Neil's hand at his hip gripping stronger now as if he didn't ever want to let go of Mark. As if he wanted to say, _'Stay with me. Don't turn away'_. And Mark knew he wouldn't. He would just stay where he was, _forever_  if he'd had a choice. 

 

"I know", he repeated and pressed a light kiss to Neil's temple. 

 

 

Not long after that, they were both fast asleep. 

 

 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

 

 

Mark woke up to the shrill beeping of his alarm. He turned around to shut it off but it was kind of hard when another body was clinging to you like their life depended on it. With a bit of careful acrobacy he managed it anyways and wondered how on earth Neil could still be sleeping. 

Somehow he even got out of his boyfriend's grip without waking him so he could disappear into the bathroom to get ready for today's match. 

 

 

When he returned to the room to get the rest of his things, he saw Neil sitting up on the bed, looking unbelievably _fuckable_. His hair was a complete mess and the look on his face was something Mark would never get used to. His pale skin was a stark contrast to the red of his lips - lips that Mark just wanted to kiss _right there, right now_  - and his eyes were still showing signs of sleepiness when he looked up at Mark. 

 

"Morning", Mark smiled. Neil returned the light smile. "You too", he said. 

 

There was a pause as they were simply looking at each other. 

 

 

"I'll better get going now. Don't wanna be late." Mark looked at Neil who was standing up. He came closer to Mark, then hugged him tightly. 

"Good luck. You've got this, after all you're better than me." He pressed a kiss to Mark's ear but before he could let go of his boyfriend, Mark grabbed him by the wrist. He pulled him into a real kiss then - hungry lips on hungry lips, fingers that held him tightly into place, want slowly flooding his veins. And _oh_  how Mark had missed this. Just them being together, no borders and walls between them, simply two loving souls who couldn't get enough of each other. 

 

He pressed Neil against the closed bathroom door. His hand let go of Neil's wrist to find its way under his shirt - breath going faster - the kiss all lips and tongue and teeth - the match disappearing into the back of Mark's head - Neil's hands in his hair, on his back - his own hands finding Neil's waistband now - and _fuck_ , how he wanted him... --- 

 

 

"You should really go now", Neil said, breaking their kiss. Mark growled in frustration. He knew that Neil was right - of fucking _course_  he was - but on the other hand... he'd much prefer to continue here. He let his head drop against Neil's shoulder and sighed. 

 

"Right." 

 

 

He kissed Neil another time. Not as wild and passionate as before, but still wet enough to have Neil aching for more. 

 

Mark turned and was about to leave, Neil still leaning against the bathroom door, but before he could leave the room Mark said, "And stop being so hard to yourself. I hate that." 

 

 

Neil closed his eyes. There it was again, that awful feeling in his gut. He heard the door close and was once again alone in their room. 

 

 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

 

 

Mark stared at the door in front of him. Should he open it? Or should he just turn around and head for the hotel bar? 

 

He continued staring at it for another moment, then decided that he needed to get in there. If only to avoid the curious stares of the other hotel guests. 

He pulled his key card out and got in. He'd almost wished Neil wouldn't be there. 

 

He didn't look Neil in the face when he entered, just unloaded his bag and cue case next to the small table near the wall, then disappeared right into the bathroom, feeling completely disgusted with himself. He needed a cold shower. Right now. He could talk later. 

 

 

 

 

 

He got out of the shower 15 minutes later, the obligatory white hotel towel around his waist but still not feeling much better. 

 

"Whose game is shite now, huh?", he asked before Neil had any chance to say something. 

 

 

 

"I already booked our flight home on the way back here. We're leaving tomorrow morning", Mark added. Neil swallowed. Had he been just as bad - or even _worse_  - during the last few months? He felt completely miserable. Not because of his own lost match now, but because Mark was so upset and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. 

 

"Don't beat yourself up over this", Neil said.

 

 

 

And then he _realized_  what Mark had been going through. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love drama okay. 
> 
> This one is for @rocketsfindplanets for gifting me a wonderful (SAD) selbertson-fic that you all should read. Now.
> 
> Anyways, I love comments and stuff like that so maybe leave something for me?  
> Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll see you in the next chapter!


End file.
